3 good things

1. Skated today. Got 2 clips. Not really happy about the second one, but happy to know that I have front nose down pretty well.

2. Learned to export in batches. Didn’t practice design, but nice to learn something new especially since I’m working with a new format of camera, the HVX 200

3. Bought Thai Food which was nice after last night’s stressing on food to eat

3 good things

1. chatted with my sister in the morning which was nice

2. took a nap today

3. ate food? I don’t know. Actually, watching Conan O’brien was nice.

I’m not feeling really creative anymore right now. I think I’ve pigeonholed myself into just skateboarding so much that I don’t want to learn. I did learn about a premiere transition today.

I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s just too hot in my apartment. Stressed about eating healthy right now.

I think that’s been my biggest stress is eating healthy and not spending too much money this month, but that stress is stressing me out again.

I know that I’m super secure with finances but because of capitalism in December, it becomes all about sending people things. Frankly, I’m glad that I live in a different state from my family so that I don’t have to give everyone a gift. But then again, last year, I was the one who paid the bill after korean bbq. It was like 440 and I was like, yeah I can pay for that and that’s my Christmas present to everyone.

I keep having to do calculations in my head like weekly to prove to myself that everything is going to be ok. Clearly, financially, I know things will be ok, but clearly I still don’t think that.

I think I’m in a good mental state? I don’t know. I feel like I’ve just been stressed lately over a bunch of random things. Besides the stress of picking what to eat, the whole, I don’t think I want to film skateboarding right now is kind of messing with me.

I’m trying to find other avenues to find creativity, but sadly, i’m not inspired by anything anymore. Last night I was reading, “Pocket Full of Do,” and one of the passages talks about how I shouldn’t look so much at social media for inspiration. On Tuesday, I wrote a long piece about what are the things that I liked to do as a child. I’m thinking about how the Beatles were a very large influence in my early teens.

I keep thinking about how I never wanted fame as a child. All I wanted was fun. As I got older though with social media, it became something to chase after just because it has become tangible.

It’s not my employers job to make me happy. It’s my job right? So what does that mean.

I keep on thinking of the photo where I just need to keep digging at the same thing over and over. I know I’m getting closer to something.

This is where these design challenges and nightly check ins start to get really frustrating.

I start to think too much.

at least i got to listen to the beatles tonight.

3 good things

1. Skated at McCarren and at Blue Park. Learned nose stall shuvit

2. Bought a new lavalier mic and I bought a thrifted windbreaker off ebay. Originally, I thought I was going to pay like 200 for everything because I thought I was going to buy a carhartt vest instead of a windbreaker. But after seeing a guy at the skatepark wear it and eat shit, I was deterred haha.

3. Saw Lando today. He landed a kickflip over the bump to bar second try after rolling his ankle like 2-3 weeks ago.

So I saw a friend who is a pro skater at the skatepark in a santa costume. He was doing a promo for red bull. I was just filming casually and since I’m creating again, I thought, why not just make something out of it. I got to do the walk through transition which you’ll see up here. I’ve done it before, but it’s nice to brush up on again. Took me a minute to fine the music from the movie Elf but it just fits since that movie takes place in NYC for a little bit.

I’m intentionally not creating today because I learned something important about myself.

I’m really loyal, but people will take advantage of that factor of me. I learned that I receive love through quality time, acts of services, words of affirmation and give through quality time and mainly gifts. The reason is because gifts do not drain me emotionally and allow me to show up for people without draining myself. I need to be more with people who will reciprocate the energy that I give. What does that look like. Hanging out with people who are more my age. While it hasn’t bothered me that much to hang with people younger than me because of their drive and ambition influences me, I know there are people like that who are my age. I need to find those people.

I no longer want to constantly take care of people younger than me. I will do so when need be, but I don’t want to have to be a team manager or plan everything to get things done. While I’m the leader at this magazine and people will look to me, a video part won’t get done unless the skater wants to get it done. The question now becomes, what can I do to help the person want to get clips. Or I just do what I want. Frankly, I just want to do what I want.

I don’t think I want to film skateboarding anymore, for now. I think I just want to focus on being a skateboarder and focus on my needs. I don’t want to make skate videos because everyone makes skate videos. There is an oversaturation of everything right now. I need to shift towards things that I want to make and do the things that I want to do. Frankly, skateboard filmer is not the highest dream on my list.

I’m scared of dying alone and being alone in life. Although being without people is scary and cutting people of is sad, i must do so to make room in my life.

It’s been a nice realization that I just want to be selfish again and just focus on me and my needs. I just want to have fun again.