3 good things

1. Snowed today

2. Skated today for the first time in 2 days. Knees still hurt. I ran today. It takes a long time to warm up unfortunately and by that time, I have to go back inside for work

3. Got my undertaker x snoop dog shirt haha

So I figured out the write on effect or rather, I knew how to do it, but I was trying to test out the faster way. There are effects in Adobe Premiere that will allow the same effect, except so much quicker. However, it kept crashing on me. I found another tutorial that I started to watch and then I stopped watching. Welp, I guess I can try that version tomorrow since I did mess up on this one.

Any who, my debacle in front of me right now is buying a vest or a windbreaker for skating and also buying a mic. I have to keep in mind that december is the month when all my subscriptions’ annual fees renew so I think I have adobe renewing, my credit card renewing, amazon prime renewing, and a few other things so I know I’m spending at least 200 on this.

Lately, I’ve just been buying food. I need to watch my sugar intake though because I think that will be my weakness sadly. I want to start biking more again, but I have to keep in mind Gemma needs to run so I guess just running one lap will have to do.

Who was I as a child?

Let’s span this time between 5 and 8 years old before my mother passed away.

I liked dogs. I loved climbing up the stairs to get up the stairs at home. I loved sliding down the stairs to get down. I loved jumping from the highest point of the stairs to get down. My dad would always tell me i would break a bone doing so, but i haven’t so far. I loved climbing on the walls like spider man. I loved spider man. I loved the movie space jams. I loved watching TV. Shows like Rollie Pollie Olie, Bear in the Big Blue House, Out of the Box, PB & J Otter, Zoboomafoo. I loved dogs. I really liked bucket hats. Dressing cool was important to me. I think I liked the Backstreet Boys. I didn’t eat a lot. I drank a lot of soda. I had a lot of cavities. I was always cartwheeling. Also, I think I fought a lot? I cried a lot. I had a lot of emotions.

I liked watching the show Rocket Power. Cartoons were the main thing that I liked doing.

The book I’m reading says that part of growing up is not losing the child in you. The creativity in you. The kid in you.

The book talks about how you can become who you wanted to be when you were younger. A woman became a famous painter at age 76 and died at 102. In 3 years after she restarted painting, her work was in the MoMa. Her paintings sold at 1.2 million at her death.

I have to think about what I liked so much when I was younger. All I can think about is skateboarding.

Wealth is not money. It’s being able to do what you want with your time and spend your life how you want which will leave you happier and even richer. I do believe that. Don’t waste your life making someone else’s dream come true.

But what is my dream. The only dream I remember having when I was younger was being an engineer. Welp I don’t like math so that’s a wrap.

But what are some things that I liked about myself when I was younger. High energy. Emotional ( I cried a lot or was able to speak my feelings) I stopped being able to be mad as soon as my my died. Talkative. It was easy to make friends. How do I want to be? I want to be more like my younger self.

What’s interesting is that 3rd grade and 4th grade me really liked baggy clothes. I’m wearing baggy clothes. I’m still skating. I liked drawing a lot. I liked cartoons a lot. Maybe I should start drawing again? Drawing is what got me into design.

I liked rap and r&b. I still do and even more so now. I didn’t care so much about what I ate, but I was also very athletic. I still am.

I’m still very much the same person that I was as a child. A bit more emotionally aware and can handle my own, but what am I trying to hold onto and tap into?

As a child I really loved singing too. But I barely sing anymore now. It’s been so long.

maybe this is me rethinking new york? Nah, I think it’s just me thinking about what do I need to do next.

I think I just liked cartoons, playing with my friends, eating sugar, singing, and there was a lot of church.

But besides all that, yes, cartoons, sports, sweet tooth, singing, and anything with fun. Next job I want, I want it to be a lot of fun.

3 good things

1. Had some things to work with today for work

2. Kind of funny how much pumpkin pie I just bought from costo. I bought a 3 pound pie on monday and it’s just in my fridge to chip away at

3. I dropped off something at UPS with Gemma today. It was funny how I went at like 5:30 and there was a long line so I took Gemma on the walk with the package in hand, came back 30 minutes later, and there was no line.

Up above, I was trying to do a write on effect for a video that I’m working on. However, I don’t think I have enough ram? No idea. Adobe Premiere just shuts out whenever I try to do the task that I want it to do. I’m not really in the mood to be creating, but at least I’m trying. I’ll try again tomorrow. I feel more like chilling anyways.

I’m not sure if I should be creating right now. It just doesn’t feel right. My legs have been hurting a lot lately. I think my body is finally telling me to take a break from running so much. I just need to figure out where to bike tho. I think if I run one day and then bike the next day it would be good or just do one lap around the park instead of my 2. I found out recently that doing two laps around the park and back home is 3.2 miles. More than I should be doing before I go skate. It kind of hurts to walk up stairs now. My knees are saying something needs to change.

3 good things

1. Got to sleep in and not work out

2. didnt do much at work, but still got everything I needed done

3. Worked on a video (image still up above)

I had a really bad dream last night. Like to zombie-like, apocalyptic covid related dreams. It was very scary. I’m surprised by how many dreams I have of myself dying lately. There’s been so many. The last scene I remember was being surrounded by zombie like monsters ripping me apart. And before that, all the survivors were about to march somewhere in a peaceful protest. It was supposed to be a simulation, but it wasn’t. The saddest thing that happened was that before we go on the protest and I get ripped apart, Gemma is by my side, but she is taken from me in order to be kept safe. But where they put her, they put her in a plastic container which she doesn’t fit in.

The last few times that I’ve had a nightmare about dying, I usually have to go find Gemma because there is no one else to talk to. It’s kind of wild how this dog really has been with me through so much. I’ve talked in length about this with my therapist.

My first real job rejection, my first job acceptance, my trip across the country, my move to nyc, the first time I had real dates in nyc, multiple heartbreaks, my many job changes, this pandemic, finally moving out from my living situation with my former roommates, living in williamsburg, and so much more.

I sometimes think about what I’d do when she’s gone. How sad I’ll be. But it’s more important to enjoy this time with her as much as I can.