Dec 10, 2020

I’m intentionally not creating today because I learned something important about myself.

I’m really loyal, but people will take advantage of that factor of me. I learned that I receive love through quality time, acts of services, words of affirmation and give through quality time and mainly gifts. The reason is because gifts do not drain me emotionally and allow me to show up for people without draining myself. I need to be more with people who will reciprocate the energy that I give. What does that look like. Hanging out with people who are more my age. While it hasn’t bothered me that much to hang with people younger than me because of their drive and ambition influences me, I know there are people like that who are my age. I need to find those people.

I no longer want to constantly take care of people younger than me. I will do so when need be, but I don’t want to have to be a team manager or plan everything to get things done. While I’m the leader at this magazine and people will look to me, a video part won’t get done unless the skater wants to get it done. The question now becomes, what can I do to help the person want to get clips. Or I just do what I want. Frankly, I just want to do what I want.

I don’t think I want to film skateboarding anymore, for now. I think I just want to focus on being a skateboarder and focus on my needs. I don’t want to make skate videos because everyone makes skate videos. There is an oversaturation of everything right now. I need to shift towards things that I want to make and do the things that I want to do. Frankly, skateboard filmer is not the highest dream on my list.

I’m scared of dying alone and being alone in life. Although being without people is scary and cutting people of is sad, i must do so to make room in my life.

It’s been a nice realization that I just want to be selfish again and just focus on me and my needs. I just want to have fun again.