Dec 12, 2020

3 good things

1. chatted with my sister in the morning which was nice

2. took a nap today

3. ate food? I don’t know. Actually, watching Conan O’brien was nice.

I’m not feeling really creative anymore right now. I think I’ve pigeonholed myself into just skateboarding so much that I don’t want to learn. I did learn about a premiere transition today.

I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s just too hot in my apartment. Stressed about eating healthy right now.

I think that’s been my biggest stress is eating healthy and not spending too much money this month, but that stress is stressing me out again.

I know that I’m super secure with finances but because of capitalism in December, it becomes all about sending people things. Frankly, I’m glad that I live in a different state from my family so that I don’t have to give everyone a gift. But then again, last year, I was the one who paid the bill after korean bbq. It was like 440 and I was like, yeah I can pay for that and that’s my Christmas present to everyone.

I keep having to do calculations in my head like weekly to prove to myself that everything is going to be ok. Clearly, financially, I know things will be ok, but clearly I still don’t think that.

I think I’m in a good mental state? I don’t know. I feel like I’ve just been stressed lately over a bunch of random things. Besides the stress of picking what to eat, the whole, I don’t think I want to film skateboarding right now is kind of messing with me.

I’m trying to find other avenues to find creativity, but sadly, i’m not inspired by anything anymore. Last night I was reading, “Pocket Full of Do,” and one of the passages talks about how I shouldn’t look so much at social media for inspiration. On Tuesday, I wrote a long piece about what are the things that I liked to do as a child. I’m thinking about how the Beatles were a very large influence in my early teens.

I keep thinking about how I never wanted fame as a child. All I wanted was fun. As I got older though with social media, it became something to chase after just because it has become tangible.

It’s not my employers job to make me happy. It’s my job right? So what does that mean.

I keep on thinking of the photo where I just need to keep digging at the same thing over and over. I know I’m getting closer to something.

This is where these design challenges and nightly check ins start to get really frustrating.

I start to think too much.

at least i got to listen to the beatles tonight.