3 good things

1. Cried today at therapy

2. Bought a lot of food in celebration/ remembrance of my mom on her birthday today

3. Gemma is alive. She might have some liver issue, but for the present, we are ok

A year ago around this time, I had to bring Gemma to the emergency hospital. I was on the floor in shorts coming home from work at the agency. I was questioning myself as I was about to lose this agency job because they couldn’t hire me full time for HR reasons, I wasn’t sure where I was going to live, and I couldn’t even pay for my dog’s treatment and had to ask for my dad’s help.

A year later, I’m able to take care of everything on my own.

And yet, I still feel powerless and the reason isn’t lack of money. It’s lack of support here in NYC.

I’m glad that I have friends all over the country who I can talk to. It’s just having someone in person to talk to or confide in is what I’m missing. I have friends who are my age that I can talk to, but I only reach out so often.

I talked to my therapist for awhile about how some of my friendships are a little transcactional where there is an exchange. I never ask for money back because I’ve learned that there is trauma in my family concerning money. If someone asks of money, I never ask for it back. I understand why because it will come back to me in a different way. I’m a very generous person, but recently, I feel a bit taken advantage of. I feel like I constantly have to give something in order to keep someone’s loyalty or friendship.

I think it’s time to take a break again or at least work in a different way. I still want to design, just not everyday.

When I say I miss being taken care of, what does that look like for me?

Someone to cook me food, clean the dishes, take Gemma out, drive me around, give me something random.

Sounds like a parent.

3 good things

1. skated a little bit. Boardslid pretty much the whole rail at mccarren finally. Progress has been made on that

2. Ate a lot of food today.

3. Took a nap today

I think because it’s fall, I’m starting to have my seasonal depression again. I should be taking my multivitamins to help cope with this, but seasonal depression feels like the blanket that I was swaddled in as a baby. It’s comforting. The saying goes that struggle can be more comforting than comfort.

I’m sitting here listening to Mac Miller’s posthumous album, circles. Whenever I get really sad, I start listening to Mac Miller. I started listening to him more after he passed away. His music and the tone of the songs just were more comforting.

I emailed my therapist to ask if I could move my therapy session up a week sooner. My mom’s birthday is coming up, but also my nephew’s birthday is coming up. They have the same birthday which means that my Mom’s birthday will never be forgotten. It’s bittersweet.

I’m midway wanting to cry as Mac Miller is playing. Only a few tears are in my eyes right now.

I’ve been very annoyed lately. I’ve been annoyed by my dog. I’ve been annoyed by having to constantly just take care of myself through the use of money. The most that I do to take care of myself is buy food. I’m stressed that I’m gaining weight even though I know I’m not. I’m stressed that I’m going to get cancer because I’ve smoked 3 CBD joints in the last 3 days. I know that I won’t, but I’m stressing so much.

I don’t know why I’m stressing so much on money again. Everything is secure. I don’t know why I want to buy so many things.

I’m sad that I’m just like everyone else in a 9-5.

Ok I checked and I’m still fine in regards to liquid checkings. I’m not sure why I’m freaking out so much right now.

Things I need to buy

metal bar for closet. Wooden one broken. $30

new bearings: 25

new wheels: $40

Things I want

New white vans to skate in $70

fisherman beanies for skrrt 3 = 35

I’m not sure what it is, but retail therapy or window shopping just makes me feel better. I think what might make me feel better is if I just skated and got better. Tomorrow, I’m just going to force myself to skate all from about 9am to 3pm. 2ish hours at blue and the go back to McCarren and skate there .

3 good things

1. Skated. Got an easy clip

2. Hung out with my friend Bianca today. Haven’t seen her in a little over a year. I’ve chatted with her throughout the year, but hanging out with her was nice. Went to our usual brunch spot to buy pancakes.

3. Starting to edit the denim company video.

It’s really hot in the apartment so I had to open up all the windows in the kitchen and place Gemma there. As much as I like this apartment, I hate the fact that it just gets really hot. It’s a typical new york thing to have a overheated apartment, but in the past, I usually just turn everything off and so it might be cold for me, but it’s also easier for me to go to sleep. I prefer that, but I was definitely stressing for a little bit before this trying to figure out how to keep Gemma cool.

Tomorrow, I have to drop off some film, but unfortunately, I’m switching to a new developer. Unfortunately, my developer has been making the skin tones very red and I don’t like that. When I first started going there, it wasn’t so bad, but now, it’s just bothersome. I guess I can go there for 3D photos, but otherwise, I need to find a new spot. Fortunately, Pio gave me a new spot, I just have to bike a bit further down

Anywho, just hoping that Gemma stays cool all night.

3 good things

1. Work was short because of the denim shop shoot today (see shirt above) Wild how they gave us shirts, pants, and hoodies

2. I skated a little bit today. I landed a bunch of frontside noseslides to regular

3. Got to film on the camera today

It’s interesting when you have a team. Normally, I like to film everything and edit everything, but today, I realized, I can’t do everything on my own. And that’s something that I’ve had to learn over my whole life. It was nice to see today how I could rely on people to just do things. I didn’t have to worry too much about anything, just what I needed to worry about. Sure at times today, I was a little stressed, worried, but I think everything will turn out fine. I’m tired and I have work again, but I’m glad that this project is giving me some life.

Oh up above is me just ollieing over a hip at the skatepark. Not the best, but it’s always good to see what I look like skating so i can improve.