Wednesday
3 good things
Cried today at therapy
Bought a lot of food in celebration/ remembrance of my mom on her birthday today
Gemma is alive. She might have some liver issue, but for the present, we are ok
A year ago around this time, I had to bring Gemma to the emergency hospital. I was on the floor in shorts coming home from work at the agency. I was questioning myself as I was about to lose this agency job because they couldn’t hire me full time for HR reasons, I wasn’t sure where I was going to live, and I couldn’t even pay for my dog’s treatment and had to ask for my dad’s help.
A year later, I’m able to take care of everything on my own.
And yet, I still feel powerless and the reason isn’t lack of money. It’s lack of support here in NYC.
I’m glad that I have friends all over the country who I can talk to. It’s just having someone in person to talk to or confide in is what I’m missing. I have friends who are my age that I can talk to, but I only reach out so often.
I talked to my therapist for awhile about how some of my friendships are a little transcactional where there is an exchange. I never ask for money back because I’ve learned that there is trauma in my family concerning money. If someone asks of money, I never ask for it back. I understand why because it will come back to me in a different way. I’m a very generous person, but recently, I feel a bit taken advantage of. I feel like I constantly have to give something in order to keep someone’s loyalty or friendship.
I think it’s time to take a break again or at least work in a different way. I still want to design, just not everyday.
When I say I miss being taken care of, what does that look like for me?
Someone to cook me food, clean the dishes, take Gemma out, drive me around, give me something random.
Sounds like a parent.