3 good things

My boss explained to me how a lot of people in senior staff at my job got sad when they heard that I was leaving the Fresh Air Fund. To me, I kind of felt that that’s kind of how it is for everyone whenever they leave, but my boss was saying how some folks wished that they could’ve found a full time position for me there. Apparently, the impact that I’ve had on the organization even with me only being there part-time was a lot. That means a lot to me because I don’t have to do much except be myself, be kind, and do a good job in order for people to recognize me. It’s nice that I can do that in this space, but alas, this isn’t the space that I want to be in anymore. My boss imparted to me these words and frankly, at a time where I’m going through some dating challenges of ending and starting up again, it’s nice to hear words that complement me in a professional space. It’s nice to know that they think of me as family there and would love to have me help out in whatever capacity that I can. If I can, I’d love to go to camp to just get out of NYC.

To be honest, I haven’t really processed this move as much. It’s just as big as my move from UCSB to Berkeley, but it just doesn’t have as much gravity. I guess it’s because I’m looking for more and what was nice was that my boss also agreed that I couldn’t grow anymore in that position. So I definitely think that this is a good move for me. The next 3 months will be battle and I have to give it everything I got. I really want to get a full time position here within that time so that I can finally have a bit more experience under my belt and also to feel a bit more confident about what I’m doing.

2 other good things.

Subway ride home was really fast as compared to the subway ride to work. Jeez.

Hmm. Yesterday was kind of on my mind today, but it wasn’t so debilitating. What I’m trying to process right now is, if I keep looking for fun, but not an actual relationship, then am I only going to get fun? I won’t get hurt. Or maybe I will. I’ve been wondering if I should take a break and just go back to designing. Part of me wants to just focus on career stuff again because I haven’t focused on it in awhile, well I have been, but I haven’t been producing as much as I would have liked.

Today’s drawing is of Grant Taylor. Jeez, this guy is a beast when it comes to just skating everything especially Tranny.

3 good things

Had the conversation with the person I was dating

Got to walk around in the snow for a little bit

Got to draw today

I’m thankful that I have a support system set up all over the country. It feels good knowing that there are a bunch of people who want to look out for me.

It’s nice that as I’ve grown up, I’ve been able to create this.

I’ve realized that with growing up, I get to make the decisions that I want to make without anyone forcing me to make the decision and without being left out of a decision. And if I get left out of a decision, I can say how I feel as long as I’m using I statements and don’t try to attack the other person.

It’s nice to do the things that I want to do like have hard conversations when in the past, I never felt like I could because I always believed the other party would explode at me. In my first year out of college, I had a roommate who definitely exploded at me after I asked him to do something. Yeah, it was my fault too, but the fact that I was met with anger when I misunderstood and was a bit angry myself made regress back to childhood.

To be honest, I’m still trying to figure out if I want to be around energy that makes me feel like a child in the sense that I don’t feel like I’m part of a decision. The easy answer is no. But I also want to make sure of that.

For example, when my aunts tease me. If the aunt teases me and there is no emotional connection, then I don’t like it. I actually fight back.

Regarding what’s been going on with love, I think I’m in a good place and am happy with the individual that I’ve grown into. It sucks that my situation is that I’m still a virgin, but at the same time, it might be a good reason because it’s taught me that emotional connection is really important to me.

Somethings I’ve learned

Emotional Connection is important. If I don’t feel it, then it’s probably not going to work.

I don’t like feeling that I can’t be myself. That I have to be a bit reserved.

I don’t like being cut off when talking. I like people listening. Reason I say that is because in the house I lived in, I listened a lot and have learned to pick up cues from people. Empathy is one of my strengths. I’m still trying to figure out how to disregard it when it comes to cutting people out of my life.

The art of listening. The one space where you can be still and moved at the same time.

Reciprocation is important. There needs to be some evidence that the person is actually into me. Physically and also emotionally.

Dating is really hard. But we keep going pretty much.

Today’s drawing is of one of my favorite skateboarders. Andrew Reynolds. I’m really proud of this piece because I’m starting to get a hang of proportions. Still not the best, but it’s pretty good to me. I really don’t know what I’m going to get out of drawing skateboarders for 30 days, but it’s good practice and it lets me just feel like I’m working on something.

I’m still excited for what’s about to happen. There’s no time to mull around anymore. I’m done with being depressed. There will be moments that I’ll be sad, but I think I’ve figured out somethings. I’m really proud of myself. 2 years ago, I would’ve never written these words. ;,)

I’ve been getting headaches a lot lately at work.

I don’t know what that means, but I don’t like getting headaches.

They kind of remind me that I’m mortal and that also my mom passed from a head related reason so I always get a bit nervous about that. It’s a sad thing to say, but if I live to 45, I live past my life expectancy. It’s kind of wild to think that way but it’s true. My parents are from the Philippines where living that long wasn’t really the norm. That’s why they have so many kids. My dad is 1 of 6 kids as evidence. The fact that whatever age my parents live up to is my expectancy is weird and a bit funny at the same time. I’m 24. That means, I’m only 21 years away from living to my life expectancy.

Ok morbid. Going away from that. But death is something to always be thinking about. Always that small fire underneath me saying, you need to do something.

But jeez, I’m tired. It’s my last week at The Fresh Air Fund and I volunteered to give every day this week to them. I also biked to work today

3 good things

Had a really good ride into work today. Was racing a guy. Got beat, but I almost had him to the turning point

Ate a lot of food today. I ate more than I have in awhile. I think that’s good. I’ve been trying to do a one day all veggie and then the next day mainly meat and then some veggies. It’s a good mix. One day to clean me out and the other day to fill myself a bit. So fasting and not fasting.

Tiredness. I’m really happy that I’m tired because I can probably just knock out after I take my dog out.

Anywho. It’s been a fun month. Every single week it’s kind of rough and good at the same time. Week by week, ups and downs. It’s exciting. It’s what I missed in the last 2 months of summer. I feel a bit burnt out again, but I’m still going to keep trying to do something at a minimal level.

Dam I forgot to write about yesterday

3 good things

Got to rest my ankle

got to make a video

Thankful to have good friends

I’m thankful to have friends that check in on me. It makes going through rejection a lot easier than it is alone. 2 years ago, I had no one to turn to and now here I am, going through the motion again, but this time, I’m not going to be a mess for 2 years. This time, I’m ready for it because I’ve done enough self work for myself to know what I’m worth and to know that everything will be alright. In fact, I’m grinning most of the time knowing that my future is going to be a very fun one.