3 good things

1. Got groceries today

2. Last day of work for the year

3. I’m pretty decided on enrolling in mograph mentor. I need to level up because what I’m doing now has been the same thing, but I get the same result.

Realizing that this piece has the colors of the Filipino flag. Making me laugh a bit. I think I’m going to play ukulele tonight for the first time in awhile. It’s interesting how I’ve already made a plan about how when I’m 30, I want to relearn how to play the piano like take actual lessons in person.

I’ve been anxious all day because I keep thinking that my Dad is going to call me since I know he probably got the letter from me. I don’t know how he is going to respond. I hope he responds through letter to be honest, but we’ll see.

3 Good things

1. Work went by really fast because I had something to do. Sadly, took a lot longer than I would have liked it to to design

2. More and more I think I want to take a class on something design related. I think since the vaccine is out and I have until April to get it and this course goes through March, this will be the only time that I’ll have to really level up myself knowing that I want to leave my job.

3. Listening to the Beatles again is a lot of fun. It’s wild how these young men achieved so much before they were 30. It’s inspiring, but also the comparison with myself makes me sad.

I think I’m just experimenting again. I can see how pigeonholed I am with my design thinking. I look at desert, I think desert. Only by chance was I able to decide to make the desert blue.

Gemma caught the mouse that was in my apartment. Handy doggo :D

3 good things

1. Took a nap

2. Got Pizza

3. Figured out my mic situation with my camera

I’m realizing that I don’t want to make a skate video right now. The saturation of skate videos is a bit too much and so I need to figure something else out.

I bought this camera, but my friend uses it more than me because he is out more. But to me, I’m not getting anything out of it. While skrrt was about street this whole last year, the shift needs to change and I want to be able to use this camera whenever so I think I’m going to take it back because it is rightfully mine since I paid for it. Everyone makes a skate video. I don’t want to make a skate video right now. I’m not getting anything out of it. I bought the camera to make a skate video, but no one wants to skate so I need to change my focus.

A mic’d up video. Just go to random skateparks and see what people are doing every day. It may not be street, but it’s not just park.

I missed yesterday and I’m going to miss today because I’m feeling really down right now. The whole letter to my Dad makes me feel like a bad child….

pause…

Why do I feel like a bad child for telling my feelings? Because whenever I told my feelings, I was always rejected. Never consoled. Always blamed that it was my fault.

I think the reason why there is such a road block in my creativity right now is because my mental health is at a breaking point where I’m finally working on the hard things going on in my life. I’ve almost been in therapy again for a year. Originally the reason was to address my Mom’s death through my Aunt’s death, but even that took awhile to get to. The other reason was figuring out how I didn’t want to die surrounded by no one.

It’s only now that I’m really working on my past trauma of not being able to speak up and not even is it speaking up, it’s just being able to tell people how I feel just because I was always shunned as a child and when I got to college, I had to tone it back. I remember how our retreat in high school taught us about how being vulnerable can bring people together. I was able to do that with other guys at school.

The reason I’m not feeling creative right now nor do I want to film is because of the shit going on at home and inside of me. I’m exhausted by everything or am I using it as an excuse. But there’s also so much snow on the ground. I can’t skate. Only thing I can do is run for a little bit.

I keep coming back to money. I know money is something that I can use to take care of myself, but I’m tired of being the only person taking care of myself in person.

I talked to my therapist about how I show love which is mainly through gifts because the emotional is just so much harder to do because it takes so much of my energy. I’ve retold how in college I met an older student at a Student of Color Conference my sophomore year and we connected in a group surrounding the identity, if you lost a parent. And so I met him there and didn’t really think that much of him after the conference, but he hit me up to say hello and stay connected. We would have good conversations here and there, but then all of a sudden he would call me like everyday wanting to talk or just message me. He was even like, i like talking to people more than I do texting because I can hear their voice. And in my head I was like, bruh, I gotta school work to do because I’m trying to get into Berkeley to show up my family. It got really bad because he was using me for so much emotional labor and it got to the point where I had to block him and just ignore his messages. Junior and Senior year of college, I felt like I had to hold a lot of emotional space for people. It doesn’t help that social justice is more about listening rather than talking. To be frank, certain spaces that I was a part of were very detrimental because I was taught to put community first instead of me. When I moved to new york, I set the focus on myself completely. This was my time.

I took a break from this blog today to go for a cbd smoke break and ended up going to the liquor and wine store to buy some rum for some hot chocolate.

As a I sat with my spiked hot chocolate, I realized one of my new year’s resolutions is to not be so giving. To be okay with saying no. I’m tired of giving myself and all my assets and not receiving anything. I realized that I want to skate with people who will show up on time. I don’t want to film skate videos anymore unless the trick is good or will be done quickly.

This coming year, I’m changing my focus on putting out skate videos and instead, putting out something that people want to see…scratch that, that I want to see. I like more day in the life things anyways.

I need to remember that skrrt started as a way for me to practice design. The intent was never a skate video.

Let me let that sink in. The intent was never a skate video.

Skrrt is supposed to be my platform to do what I want.

I want to do mic’d up things, but not like the Berrics where they do a dream trick. I just want to focus on the everyday and magnify it into an extraordinary thing.

I’m really happy now.

It’s surprising how a walk, some cbd, some fresh air, and some spiked hot chocolate allowed me to think a bit more clearly.

I am allowed to take what is mine if I paid for it. I am allowed to do what I want. And frankly, I don’t want to use this for a video anymore. I paid for it. I get to do with it what I want.

3 good things

1. Ate a lot today. Been enjoying the snow weather the last 2 days. Tomorrow I’ll go for a run

2. Took a nap today too which was nice

3. Bought a new deck for the new year soon when my current board either chips or it’s completely done.

So I wrote my letter to my Dad today or rather I wrote the majority of it last night and then finished it today. It’s something that I needed to do for sure to get it off my chest. Today is more about relaxing…

I’m thinking that I should take a class for design again or something. I just can’t seem to feel creative doing the same thing anymore. I’ve been thinking of buying an ipad to draw again. I’ve been looking at classes to on motion graphics.

I have to think about my portfolio of what I’ve done. I have a lot of revlon things that I haven’t uploaded.
The Baazaar thing is something I’m proud of designing if it’s for print. A few of the displays I’m proud to have worked on.

I have Blue In Green which is cool. And I have a whole lot of skrrt things.

I have a few nike designs that I’ve made.

I need to spend money on something that is a good investment on me which doesn’t take up too much of my time, but also where I feel like I’m growing.

Or it’s just the focus that needs to shift a little bit.

I think it’s the focus, but we’ll see.